My mother has a Massive garden in her backyard. I’m talking like 1000sqft. Needless to say this is a substantial increase to the maybe 15sqft one we had in my childhood home. Anyone who has had anything resembling a garden knows that it tends to be a bit more upkeep than expected. Thankfully my mom loves gardening and so does her husband. This “active”ity doesn’t feel like work to them.
In my years of dating I have had very fit partners, very lazy partners, people with amazing genetics who need no effort and all those in between, but through all of them, the gym, cooking and mindfulness has maintained its importance in my life. While dating the “lazy” ones I was always plagued by the question of how to get my partner to join me on this massive part of my life. Afterall, if you’re spending just 5 hours a week at the gym, that’s 3% of your week. Include meal prep, walks, meditation etc, we’re looking at maybe 10% or more. If fitness is a large part of “you” like it is to me, you’re surely holding this question as well. Depending on how you look at it, the solution to this can either be a massive benefit or a colossal problem.
There are MANY different ways to exercise. My mom likes gardening, a past partner of mine liked swimming, another liked qigong , I like lifting. Then you have the subsects of lifting. Do you like crossfit, strongman, powerlifting, functional, animal flow, bodybuilding etc etc. With each of these modalities, there seems to be a “camp” that most people don’t like to venture out of. This restricts people and even limits their growth because their next fitness love may be the thing that they resist the most, and oftentimes the thing people resist the most is what they end up needing (Me with qigong). So what happens when your partner can’t stand to be in our camp?
You’re a bodybuilder, He likes pilates, this sounds like a crappy sitcom that is going to run for 1 season. Although your gym times might be the same, is it possible to bridge this gap? In my experience there are 3 Solutions here, one of which is far less obvious.
- You both find a new camp: Finding something new where you are both beginners can be one of the most rewarding things because it is something you get to develop together. To go with the above, what if you both hopped into a powerlifting split for a short period? You may notice that you don’t just like looking pretty, you enjoy the strength, maybe you also notice that your mobility isn’t nearly what it used to be. Maybe he starts to see the benefits of really pushing his body to its peak and not just existing in these tension poses. The one thing that is sure is that you will both have something new to feel and discuss and you will both feel like noobs again. You have a new activity to grow together in or you both have something to say well that was awful, lets try something else”
- You Alternate camps: This one might be the obvious one here. But as I’ve said, most people “need” the thing they aren’t doing. Yogis rarely have a true expression of strength, Powerlifters are rarely focused on their breath. The benefit you get from being in a new camp with your partner is that you give them a chance to teach you something and you also become a part of the support system for something they love, you have more questions, you take more interest, you become a thing that makes them remember WHY they love what they love so much. When my partner asks me about Star Wars I can’t help but want to read the Darth Bane trilogy again because it is what opened that world for me. Imagine getting to relive that experience of starting again in your fitness love through the person you love.
- You Build a Wall Around Your Camp: Not everything needs to be shared, sometimes the joy of something is the mystery around it. I LOVE the human body and find nearly every aspect of it so interesting but I have no desire to be a nurse. When my partner describes the things she’s studying, the patients and cases she’s worked on, she lights up. The joy I gain from it is that I don’t understand the ins and out of it and she gets to go down the rabbit hole sharing it with me. What connects the two of you might be the unknowns around what they love.
I once heard someone say “the gym is for Men”; while I disagree, there is a grain of truth in this. Not everything needs to be shared. My mom’s love of gardening and the depth of her understanding escapes me But it doesn’t make it any less fun when we do it together or when I ask her questions about my little garden. My partner’s knowledge in nursing is not something I’ll delve into to the depths she has, But I know if I ever decided to, she would support me fully. My Dad’s decades of experience in the gym has made lifting together MORE fun because we both have things we can share to deepen our love of the gym. At the end of the day it just becomes this question.
What is the right way for you to share your love?
Is it becoming beginners again? Is it together with one as the experienced pro and you as the noob? Is it keeping that dividing line and it just being a source of intrigue for each other?
Nowhere is it written that everything must be shared. You can have a perfectly loving relationship in different camps, the same camp, or starting a new one together. The only rule as far as I see it is to not be afraid to take a chance. Even if you wall your camp off, make sure to leave each other a door to come visit and try again.
